strange dreams can make me think so much
I had a dream about the right man for me. It hurt.

I've never actually dreamed about a good relationship partner before; I thought "dream man" was just a figure of speech. But Alex and Maggie and a few others have been telling me what they think I should look for, and I naturally have a few ideas of my own on the subject, and I guess it all got together subconsciously.

But the thing is, even in my dream it wouldn't have worked. He was a man, and he had the right personality and he was in the right place in his life, emotionally . . . but he was a film/TV writer, a New Yorker, but with a pied à terre in LA in case he suddenly got big. And I could see that that was exactly what would happen, and I would have to stay with book publishing in New York, so that some unknown amount of time into the relationship, it would suddenly rip apart -- leaving me even more broken than I'd been before meeting him.

I need to chill out. I need to meet more people and invest less, and I need not to hope. Hope is not something I've tried to kill before.

***

In vaguely related news, this guy I've had a huge crush on (but haven't felt worthy of) posted a journal entry about how much he dislikes upper arm fat on girls. Usually hope does just fine dying on its own without my help!